awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
