If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So squirting runs in the family.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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