I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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