i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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