you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
