filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
