Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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