genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
