sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
