before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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