my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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