i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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