Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
How's work?
Spinning.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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