he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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