He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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