Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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