I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize