The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
