I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
