ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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