Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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