I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
