I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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