Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My dick has a subreddit
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
