Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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