Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize