What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
