he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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