Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
