So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
