I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I am never drinking with the goths again.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
