Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
