He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize