Me too!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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