you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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