I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
