Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
