just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
