Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize