just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
