hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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