new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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