i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
