I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
