I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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