This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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