I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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