I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
