The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
