Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
