so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
