So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
