how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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