I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
