only you would photoshop your dick
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
