Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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