Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
