If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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