Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
