Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
