MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
