my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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