I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
