Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
