ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
