You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
