I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
