On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
