if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
