Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize