Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
